If self care was an easy concept to implement in our lives, there wouldn’t be a whole industry dedicated to educating others about better self care. Now that I think about it, I took a class called “Leisure Studies” in college and didn’t do well in it because I was overwhelmed with everything on my to do list.

Not shocked by that realization by the way.

When we connect self care to concepts like relaxation, leisure, or fun it can be easy to put it on the back burner. Many of us are living a life where there could be an actual (or perceived) emergency at any minute. Overthinkers and overdoers are getting pulled in many directions all the time. Is there a way to make space when our schedules seem so tight?

There is no perfect tool or way to guarantee self care every time we try to make it happen. What we do have, are strategies that increase the likelihood of having more consistent self care in our life. We are going to focus on a favorite here at Nine to Kind: BOUNDARIES.

Boundaries at its simplest form are where one thing ends or begins. The goal of having boundaries around our self care is to protect our time for self care and to preserve our relationship with the people or things that might impact or be impacted by our self care. When used mindfully and strategically, boundaries can help us have more resources for self care.

What does it look like to have boundaries related to our self care routines? Keep reading.

The 5 W’s of Boundaries

Since there are many many many resources out there, let’s bring it to the basics.

• WHO do we set boundaries with? Boundaries can be set with anyone and everyone…including ourselves.
  
• WHAT are boundaries? Boundaries are guidelines and expectations with ourselves and others. Other words might be: limits, rules, preferences, etc.
  
• WHEN do we set boundaries? We can set boundaries at anytime, however timing is a factor that can make or break boundaries.
  
• WHERE are boundaries set? Boundaries can be set through any medium: text, email, in person, on the phone, signage, etc.
  
• WHY do we set boundaries? To maintain mutual respect and understanding with our time, space, relationships, and tasks.

To give a quick phrase that summarizes boundaries, boundaries are WHEN, WHERE, or HOW you will do something or go about something. It is about informing others of your perspective, intentions, and plans.

Boundaries are not:

• PUNISHMENT: They can be a negative consequence or result of something…but the function of boundaries goes beyond punishment.
• FLUFF: Even if the boundary seems small, respecting it makes a big impact.
• ABUSE: When misused, boundaries can be seen as abusive. Remember, boundaries are designed to maintain and preserve relationships–not break them apart.

Please keep in mind that the nuance of everyone’s life will be reflected in the contexts of their boundary setting. Keeping this focused on foundational concepts will help us feel less overwhelmed and more likely to try boundary setting. Think about it, watercolor paints are 7-9 colors that can be formed into beautiful art. Same goes for boundaries.

The Three Types of Boundaries (Timing)

The timing of boundary setting is an important factor to the success of our limit. Keeping timing in mind shapes your content (what the boundary is) and context (how you will set that limit) of your boundary setting. All of these speak to an ideal situation and recognize that sometimes that our boundary setting will need to be more off the cuff or unplanned.

• PREFERENTIAL: Boundaries related to preference are typically discussed ahead of time. They are more about orientation and guidelines within our relationships. The possible consequences are not discussed and there can be some room for flexibility.
  
  Example: If you can text me before calling I would appreciate that. That will help me find a space where I can be more attentive. This communicates flexibility, openness, and what is in it for them to maintain the consideration.
  
• NON-NEGOTIABLE: These boundaries are strict and upfront. Non negotiable boundaries offer insight to potential consequences of crossing the boundary.
  
  Example: Please do not call me unless it is an emergency. If I answer, it is to make sure it is not an emergency and I will get off the phone. This is out of respect for my time. This communicates the boundary in its simplest form, acknowledges why the boundary is there, and possible outcomes.
  
• RESPONSIVE: When something needs to shift as a result of someone’s behavior or circumstances in general, that is a results driven boundary. These boundaries will need context and clarity.
  
  Example: You have continued to call me in non-emergency situations and get upset when I have to hop off the phone. To respect my time and our relationship, I will not answer when you call. Texting me to make sure it is a good time will ensure I can be there for you in the most present way. This outlines everything while also making attempts to hold space for the other person’s feelings.

How We Can Use Boundaries for Self Care

Here are 10 ways you can use boundaries as an avenue for increasing consistent self care.

WITH YOURSELF

1. TIME BLOCK IN YOUR PLANNER: Mark out time for your self care and set up reminders so it is not forgotten. To make this more self-practice, don’t explain why you are doing this to others. Allow yourself to build self-trust and confidence by honoring those scheduled times.
   
2. DON’T USE SELF CARE AS A NUMBING BEHAVIOR: When we use self care acts like watching our favorite show or shopping as an escape behavior, we develop an unhealthy relationship with self care. If we aren’t benefitting from our self care, then it is easier to put it on the back burner. Keep self care for the times you are engaging with intention.
   
3. USE ALL THE TOOLS AND SUPPORTS YOU CAN: An extra 30 minutes of screen time so you can ride the Peleton is okay. Getting your groceries delivered so you have that hour back is not bougie. We are handling more now than ever, allow yourself some leeway.
   
4. TRY SELF CARE ACTIVITIES THAT ARE SCHEDULED: Prepaying or scheduling a class reduces decision fatigue and holds you accountable with natural consequences.
   
5. USE TEMPTATION BUNDLING TO BRIDGE BORING & NOT BORING SELF CARE: We do not have to earn our self care, but if you are low on time try incorporating not boring self care with your errands.
   

WITH OTHERS

1. LET YOUR ACTIONS DO THE TALKING: Until your people see you maintaining the boundary and following through with self-care, they will not have evidence that supports the importance of the boundary. If Sunday afternoons are blocked off, maintain them.
   
2. BRING ATTENTION TO THE CROSSING: By using objective language from your point of view, narrate your experience to the person that is crossing your boundaries. You don’t have to go into a responsive boundary at that time unless you feel it is important.
   
3. DON’T APOLOGIZE FOR THE BOUNDARY, BUT SHOW EMPATHY: This concept can be helpful for people that might feel guilty for doing their self care. You can recognize and acknowledge the impact on others (ex: kid sad because they can’t go with you) but don’t apologize for doing your self care.
   
4. GIVE THEM THE CHANCE TO DO SELF CARE TOO: Depending on the situation, you might have to remind your loved ones that they can do self care too. Give them an idea of what would be helpful for you (2 days notice, weeknight, etc) to make sure they have time for their self care too.
   
5. DON’T GIVE UP: Loosening your boundary in the heat of the moment only provides temporary relief. Acknowledge that if there is a lot of stress happening around your time for self care, you might need to do some collaborative problem solving or radical acceptance of their response.

You Can’t Have One Without The Other

Boundaries are self care, and self care can’t happen without boundaries. There is a chance that the boundaries you set with yourself and others do not disrupt your process! Change is always uncomfortable, even with the fun stuff like self care! Boundaries don’t have to be harsh, they can be kind guidelines for how you want to do life.

Good luck!

The Nine to Kind Possibility Planner supports your self care routine (and boundary setting) with worksheets created by a licensed therapist. You will also have weekly prompts reminding you that taking care of yourself is always on the to do list. Take a look and get your planner in the shop!