As I began to unpack the roots of my productivity guilt, memories from my formative years started to piece together a clear narrative: a young overachiever who just wanted to belong.

There was my college self, the one who would buy a round of shots to liven up the mood, even if it meant risking an overdraft. There was the girl who ran for class elections, often unopposed, just to guarantee she would be included. And then there was the burned out bartender, too scared to feel the sting of guilt if she wasn’t constantly contributing.

Each of these versions of me was playing a different role, but they all had the same underlying motivation: connection. I can still feel the loneliness those parts of myself experienced, along with the fear of what would happen if I stopped doing.

Emotional loneliness is a side effect of productivity guilt and perfectionism that many of us rarely admit to. We don’t want those close to us to feel like they’re not enough, and we don’t want to admit that our busyness is our safety net for relationships. This constant performance for approval can make genuine connection feel out of reach, even as we crave it.

Connection is one of the most powerful antidotes to productivity guilt. If you’re longing for deeper, more reciprocal relationships, it might be time to consider whether your productivity is getting in the way.

Ready to explore this together? Let’s break down the patterns and build a life where performance isn’t your crutch for connection.

Why High Productivity is a Placebo for Connection

Contributing is a fundamental part of being engaged in a community, but for overdoers, contributing can become our primary strategy for connection..even when our internal resources are running low. When others praise our efforts, it can feel like we’re being seen, but often, we’re only being acknowledged for what we do, not who we are.

Being “useful” means our skills are always on standby, our emotional labor is readily available, and our time is constantly flexible for the needs of others. We become like the reliable go to friend, the one who picks up the phone, shows up with the last-minute cake, or remembers every birthday without a reminder. This consistency can create a sense of belonging, but it also risks turning our relationships into a one way street.

Here’s the tricky part: this kind of usefulness can look like connection, but it’s really a placeholder for the real thing. It can feel like you’re part of the inner circle, but if you stopped being “useful,” would those connections still be there? Would people still reach out if you weren’t the one holding things together?

This isn’t about pulling back from relationships or stopping our natural desire to contribute. It’s about recognizing the difference between being valued and being used. It’s about making sure our contributions come from a place of genuine intention, not just out of a fear of being left behind or forgotten.

When we can approach our connections with this awareness, we open the door to relationships that are based on mutual care, not just what we bring to the table. It’s about letting ourselves exist in our relationships, not just function.

Connection is the Salve for Loneliness (and Perfectionism)

Loneliness can be a signal that we’re longing for more connection, a perfectly normal and deeply human need. Our craving for connection is deeply rooted in our biology. Without getting too deep in the weeds, humans have thrived as a species largely because of our ability to cooperate and support one another. Connection equaled survival, and this need for connection is still embedded in how we feel safe and secure today.

But when we feel disconnected, we often fall back on our old habits—the ones that helped us feel “useful” but not necessarily seen. We lean into productivity, over functioning, and busyness because it’s our way of proving our worth to ourselves and others. It’s our comfort zone, even if it’s a little (or a lot) exhausting.

Real connection is the exchange of support, ideas, resources, and experiences. It’s a two way street that requires both giving and receiving. Yes, you might be the one who always offers a listening ear, the one who drops off a meal when someone is sick, or the one who shows up early to set up the event—but are you also the one who allows yourself to accept that support in return?

I won’t sugarcoat it—realizing that my resistance to receiving support was a major factor in my feelings of burnout and resentment was a tough pill to swallow. But that awareness became one of my biggest motivators to start practicing the uncomfortable (but essential) skill of letting others show up for me.

Here’s the tricky part: when we let people truly see us, it can challenge the narratives we’ve clung to for safety. For many of us, our productivity masks a deeper fear…

• What if I’m not actually as capable as people think? 
• What if I’m not as self-sufficient as I’ve always tried to be? 
• What if people see my struggles, my messiness, my very human flaws?

This can be terrifying, because it means letting go of the polished version of ourselves we’ve worked so hard to maintain. But this vulnerability is also where real connection lives. When we let ourselves be fully seen, we invite others to show up for us in ways that are truly supportive. We stop trading productivity for connection and start building relationships based on who we are, not just what we do.

When connection is mutual, we thrive. We’re allowing ourselves to exist in our relationships, not just function within them. Being part of a community where contribution is something you do—not the price of admission for belonging—has real, tangible benefits:

• Reduced Burnout: You’re not carrying the emotional and logistical load alone.
  
• Deeper Understanding: You get the full spectrum of human experience, not just your curated, over functioning version of it.
  
• Emotional Resilience: Being connected gives you a buffer against life’s stressors, making you more adaptable and less likely to burn out.
  
• A Truer Sense of Self: You start to see yourself as more than just your output, and this can profoundly shift how you relate to others.
  

But perhaps most importantly, being truly seen and heard can help us rewrite the narratives we’ve held onto for so long. It allows us to challenge the idea that we’re only valuable when we’re “useful,” and opens the door to a life where connection is based on who we are—messiness, flaws, and all.

So if you’ve been using productivity as a stand-in for connection, it might be time to consider where you can make space for more meaningful, reciprocal relationships.

Moving From Overdoing to Real Connection Using The KIND Approach

Using The KIND Approach can be helpful when shifting your role in relationships because it focuses on both the mindset and the tangible steps we take in our daily lives. Like any meaningful change, this isn’t about making a 180-degree transformation overnight. It’s about progressive shifts that allow you to move from overfunctioning to authentic connection, without overwhelming your nervous system in the process. Let’s break down each step.

Know Yourself: Get Honest About Your Why

Start by treating your self reflection like you would any other project—objectively and with a compassionate lens. This means finding the kernel of truth in your overfunctioning patterns, understanding the role they’ve played, and acknowledging that they likely served you in the past. Now, it’s time to decide if they still serve you today.

A few questions to check in with yourself:

• What questions do I have about relating to this group/relationship?
• When I’m constantly doing, is it because it keeps me from being bored or vulnerable?
• Are there more mutual activities I can do with others, so the load is shared more equally?
• When someone asks how I’m doing, what actually happens? (Do I freeze, deflect, or gloss over my real feelings?)
• What are my deep fears of being seen? (Being judged, seen as boring, misunderstood, etc.)
• If I don’t feel comfortable with most people, is it time to explore other avenues for connection?

Pro Tip: When first reflecting on these questions, avoid drowning yourself in self analysis. Journal out your initial thoughts and revisit them over time. This can be an ongoing process where you gradually pinpoint areas to focus on and shift.

Invite Ease

Inviting ease into our connections can feel awkward at first, especially if we’re used to being the strong one, the planner, or the problem solver. If you’ve been running on adrenaline and self reliance for years, your nervous system might need some convincing that this is safe.

A few ways to invite ease when connecting with others:

• Notice tension in your face (specifically in your forehead, jaw, and shoulders) and consciously release it.
• Use the tense-and-release method for your arms or feet if you’re in a public setting and need to quickly discharge nervous energy.
• If you find yourself clenching your fists or jaw, take a deep, full breath and intentionally soften your muscles.
• Choose environments that feel safe and calming. If the idea of a coffee date feels too intense, consider a walk or a low pressure hangout instead.
• Monitor your bandwidth and take mini breaks (like emotional smoke breaks) when needed.

Name It

We’ve already started to touch on this as we work to invite ease into our bodies, but this is where you really get specific about the kinds of connections you want and what you’re willing to ask for. It’s about moving from a vague sense of wanting “better” relationships to defining what that actually looks like.

Need some inspo? Consider this:

• What kinds of relationships do I admire in the media or in my own life? What specifically stands out to me?
• What friendships in my life feel mutual? What makes that possible?
• What am I seeking in relationships that I often keep to myself, out of fear or habit?
• How might my role change if I stopped being the “doer” and allowed others to show up for me?

Design Your Life

Now comes the doing—the part where you experiment with new ways of relating to others. This isn’t about manipulation or forcing people to show up in specific ways. It’s about creating the conditions for mutual, reciprocal connection to flourish.

Keep these mindsets in mind as you design your relationships:

• This is an ongoing experiment and process—start where you feel most comfortable.
• You have the right to change your mind as you learn what works and what doesn’t.
• Be honest about the capacity of others and their ability to relate back.
• Allow time for others to adjust to your evolving role in a two-way relationship.
• Remember, designing your relationships isn’t about control—it’s about seeing what’s possible and being open to the results.

How The KIND Approach Shifted My Relationships

When I started using this approach, there was a process of grief because it meant that I had to let go of the ways that used to serve me. I also saw some relationships with a clearer lens and the changes meant less investment. It’s okay to have these tough moments, and I would encourage you to not let them deter you from these shifts.

Surprisingly, the hardest adjustment for me was working with my restless energy. If I was at a party and did my habit of pre bussing (blame it on my bartender background), I would out myself to others and explain how clutter was distracting me and I couldn’t engage. Letting them in on this quirk of mine led to more connection and understanding for how I operate. I also now try to do more phone calls with others so I can move about when chit chatting, and have expressed where I have time constraints so I can be more present.

I will admit that the area I’m still working on is asking for help without it being a thing. Instead of letting things fall by the wayside, I clearly express where I could use help while having flexibility for the bandwidth of others. If it is super important, I make sure to let them know.

It is a work in progress, but one where I have found my time with others more fulfilling and mutual.

Practical Ways to Build Connection (Without Overfunctioning)

As you work on shifting from overdoing to real connection, it’s helpful to practice receiving support and building relationships in lower-stakes settings. This approach lets you experiment without the pressure of deep emotional vulnerability. Here are some practical ways to stretch your connection muscles:

• Join a Group Fitness Class or Book Club: Structured gatherings can be great for practicing small talk without feeling like the center of attention. If you’re the type to stay on the sidelines, push yourself to ask for help with form, book recommendations, or even just a spot in class. These small moments of receiving can help retrain your nervous system.
  
• Send the First Meme or Message: Not every connection needs to be deep to be meaningful. Send a funny meme, share an interesting article, or drop a quick voice note to a friend. It’s a low-pressure way to build connection without the pressure to be “on” all the time.
  
• Practice Asking for Help in Public Spaces: If you’re at the grocery store, skip the stool and ask a fellow shopper to grab that top-shelf item. At a bookstore and can’t find a title? Ask for guidance or even a recommendation. These small moments can challenge the urge to go it alone.
  
• Create an Accountability System for Receiving: Let a close friend or family member know you’re trying to work on receiving and allow them to gently call you out when you slip back into overfunctioning. They can help you practice the art of asking for support.
  
• Build Your Leisure Muscles: Do small, joy-centered activities that don’t come with a productivity angle. For me, sharing my bird feeding adventures has sparked conversations I never would have had otherwise.
  
• Brainstorm Connection-Friendly Spaces: Make a list of places where you feel most at ease and open to connection. This could be a specific coffee shop, park, or even a favorite corner of your local library. Being in environments that feel safe and aligned can help you stay present.
  
• Join an Accountability Community: The KIND Club is a perfect place to practice being a receiver, ask for problem-solving support, share wins, and connect with others who are also unlearning their overfunctioning patterns.

Give Yourself Permission to Prioritize Connection Over Productivity

Being the “reliable one” is a role that doesn’t come with built-in days off—unless you choose to create them. Moving from being the doer to simply existing in your relationships is essential for preventing burnout and building deeper, more meaningful connections.

Think of your effort like a those points you collect on your credit card—they’re only valuable if you actually redeem them. Here’s your permission slip to cash in on the support you’ve been building. Give yourself room to be seen, to receive, and to experience the connection you’ve been working so hard to create.

Ready to stop overfunctioning and start actually living? The KIND Club is your place to practice this. We’re talking real support, mutual care, and meaningful connection with people who get it. We launch in June, and you can be a founding member. Click HERE to get on the waitlist and take your first step toward living a life that gives back to you.