Self-compassion might be one of the hardest skills I teach as a therapist. At first glance, it sounds simple—be kind to myself… got it. But many of us misunderstand what self-compassion truly is.

Self-compassion isn’t about doing less—it’s about suffering less as you move through life. It’s not just a mindset shift; it’s an active practice that you can embody anytime, anywhere.

Despite its gentle nature, self-compassion isn’t soft or secondary—it’s foundational. In fact, self-compassion often becomes the building block for every other shift and change we want to make in our lives. Without it, growth feels like punishment. With it, growth feels like care.In this post, we’ll explore what makes self-compassion so challenging—especially for perfectionists. We’ll address common fears, like whether self-compassion will make you lazy or complacent, and we’ll offer practical ways to experience self-compassion, not just understand it.

Why is Self Compassion Difficult for Perfectionists?

Dr. Kristin Neff, author of Self-Compassion, defines the concept as “the process of turning inward.” Other definitions include treating yourself with the same kindness you offer others or being gentle with yourself when you’re struggling. Sounds pretty nice, right?

Honestly, when I first read those definitions, I pictured myself lying on the couch under a heated blanket, someone bringing me water while I rested—no pressure, no expectations, just permission to be. Comforting, cozy, and guilt-free.

So, if self-compassion feels so good in theory, why is it so hard to embrace in practice?

Common Myths About Self-Compassion (Especially for Overthinkers and Overdoers):

Myth 1: “I can’t let myself off the hook.”

Many perfectionists believe that if they stop pushing themselves, they’ll become lazy or lose their edge. Often, this mindset was built from a history of either relentless pressure to achieve or a lack of structure entirely. Self-compassion isn’t about avoiding accountability—it’s about reducing unnecessary suffering.

Truth: Giving yourself permission to rest or regroup isn’t “getting off the hook”—it’s how you stay in the game longer. When you allow yourself to take a step back, you often contribute more over time because you’re working from a place of care, not burnout.

Myth 2: “Self-compassion means I’m lowering my standards.”

Let’s be honest—your “average” is already higher than most people’s peak performance. As a perfectionist, you’ve likely forced yourself to perform at an unsustainable level under impossible conditions.

Truth: Self-compassion isn’t about lowering your standards; it’s about making sure your expectations are attainable based on your current capacity and circumstances. Compassion says, “Let’s work toward excellence with support and rest—not at the expense of your well-being.”

Myth 3: “Being hard on myself gets things done.”

You’re not wrong—self-criticism can drive results. Berating yourself often pushes you to “get the damn thing done,” but at what cost? This “underdog with something to prove” mentality may have worked in the past, but it burns through your bandwidth and drains the energy you could be giving to other areas of your life.

Truth: Self-compassion helps you achieve from a place of care rather than fear. Research shows that people who practice self-compassion are more motivated, more productive, and less likely to procrastinate—because they aren’t wasting energy on shame.

Myth 4: “I’ll rest when everything is done.”

Be honest—how often do you go to bed with everything checked off your to-do list? Exactly. That moment rarely comes. For perfectionists, rest often becomes something you “earn” rather than something you need.

Truth: Self-compassion challenges the idea that rest and productivity are at odds. True self-compassion says: “Rest is part of the process, not a reward for finishing it.” Plus, resting before you hit empty means you’ll bring more focus and energy to your work.

Myth 5: “Everyone else is doing it—so I should be able to, too.”

It’s easy to believe you’re falling behind when you compare your behind-the-scenes to everyone else’s highlight reel. But here’s the thing—after leaving school, there is no “standardized” path. Your timeline becomes self-determined, but most of us never stop to reassess what realistic pacing even looks like.

Truth: Self-compassion reminds you that comparison is a distraction, not a guide. Have you sought out information to understand what’s actually reasonable for your goals? Chances are, your current pace is more than enough.

Why Self-Compassion Feels So Hard for Perfectionists:

Self-compassion feels uncomfortable because it disrupts the cycles that have contributed to your past successes. For many perfectionists, self-criticism was their primary motivator. Unlearning these patterns will feel like slowing down or “losing your edge.” But here’s the reframe: You’re not failing—you’re shifting.

You’re transitioning from achievement based on fear, pressure, and comparison to achievement based on intention, values, and well-being. That shift feels vulnerable because it drops the expectation that you need to be great at everything all the time. But it also makes room for sustainable success, joy, and deeper connection to your goals.

Self-compassion isn’t a weakness. It’s a new operating system—one that lets you achieve with more clarity, less suffering, and full permission to be human along the way.

The Practice of Self Compassion

Self-compassion is a practice, not a one-time decision. It requires consistent effort and a willingness to get it wrong sometimes. The way we speak to ourselves, the choices we make, and what we allow ourselves to do are all opportunities to integrate self-compassion into daily life.

If you’re new to practicing self-compassion, start with low-effort, low-stakes situations. These are moments where the practice is simple but still impactful—and if it doesn’t go perfectly, the consequences aren’t overwhelming. For example, writing a short note of self-compassion before bed or giving yourself extra time to clean the house may seem small, but they are acts of self-kindness. And trust me, they’re often harder than they look.

Take a moment to brainstorm some low-lift, high-reward ways you could practice self-compassion in your daily life. Here are 10 strategies to get you started:

10 Ways to Practice Self-Compassion Daily:

1. Write a note of gratitude to yourself before bed. (“I appreciate myself today for…”)
2. Eat a meal without engaging in negative self-talk or food guilt.
3. Let yourself ignore a call or text without guilt.
4. Pause and ask yourself: “Is this coming from a compassionate perspective?”
5. Give yourself permission to fully experience an emotion, even the uncomfortable ones.
6. Monitor how often you apologize for things that don’t require an apology.
7. Complete this sentence: “It makes sense that I feel this way because…”
8. Say “thank you” when receiving a compliment, instead of deflecting.
9. Give your inner critic and inner compassionate voice distinct characters (so you can recognize them more easily).
10. When forcing yourself through something, pause and ask: “Is this actually supportive right now?”

Self-compassion isn’t about getting it right every time—it’s about practicing frequently. Some days, it won’t feel effective, and that’s okay! The more you integrate self-compassion into your routine, the more natural it will feel over time.

The Benefits of Embodying Self-Compassion

Embodying self-compassion brings both immediate relief and long-term transformation. The impact may look different for everyone, but here are some signs that you’re developing a more compassionate mindset:

• You respond to demands and urgency with patience and intentionality.
• You notice less tension in your body—fewer clenched jaws, stiff shoulders, or stress headaches.
• Your inner critic’s voice is quieter, and when it does show up, it’s less intense.
• Decision-making feels less stressful and more timely—you trust yourself more.
• Setting and maintaining boundaries becomes easier.
• Mistakes no longer feel like the end of the world—you recover faster.
• Your self-worth becomes unconditional, not based on productivity or achievement.
• Your physical well-being improves—better sleep, more easeful movement, a steadier appetite.
• You feel more connected to others and show up more authentically.
• Everyday life feels less high-stakes, with more space for joy and flexibility.
  …and more.

Reminder: Self-Compassion Doesn’t Erase Hard Things

Let’s be clear—bad days, tough moods, and setbacks will still happen, even with self-compassion in your toolkit. Self-compassion isn’t about eliminating struggle; it’s about moving through it with more ease.

Think of it like grease on a wheel—it helps keep you moving forward instead of staying stuck. The beauty of self-compassion is that it’s always accessible. No matter how you’re feeling, you can choose to practice it at any moment.

Troubleshooting Self-Compassion

Like any new habit, self-compassion comes with its challenges. You’re rewiring old patterns, shifting deeply ingrained beliefs, and learning a new way of operating. So, of course, there will be roadblocks! Here are some common struggles and how to navigate them:

Roadblock #1: “Forced self-compassion feels fake.”

Yep—it feels fake because, at first, it is fake! Forcing yourself into self-compassion is like making a toddler apologize when they don’t mean it—the lack of genuine intent is palpable.

Try this instead: When self-compassion feels out of reach, shift to neutral, objective language. Instead of forcing kindness, simply acknowledge the moment:

• “This is a hard situation.”
• “I don’t like this feeling.”
• “I notice I’m being really tough on myself right now.”

These statements give your emotions space to exist without judgment—which is often the first step toward genuine self-compassion.

Roadblock #2: “Am I just using self-compassion to procrastinate?”

We’ve all been there—feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, and avoiding the thing we know we need to do. Sometimes, instead of taking ownership of our procrastination, we reframe it as “self-care” or “being kind to ourselves.”

Try this instead: Self-compassion is about honesty, not avoidance. Ask yourself:

• “Am I truly resting, or am I just delaying discomfort?”
• “What’s the smallest, most manageable step I can take right now?”

Real self-compassion allows space for rest without avoidance of responsibility.

Roadblock #3: “I forget to practice self-compassion.”

YES! This is completely normal. If self-compassion isn’t your default mode (yet), you might need external reminders to help build the habit.

Try this instead:

• Start externally before shifting internally. Read self-compassion affirmations daily or write them on sticky notes.
• Keep a self-compassion reminder on your phone lock screen.
• Follow accounts or podcasts that reinforce compassionate language.

Exposure to compassionate messages outside of yourself makes it easier to internalize them over time.

Be Patient with the Process

Self-compassion may not feel natural at first. In fact, self-criticism might feel safer because it’s what you’ve always known. That’s okay.Just be mindful of putting too much pressure on your self-compassion practice itself—this isn’t another thing to “perfect.” The goal isn’t to force self-compassion but to create more opportunities for it to show up in your life.

Now It’s Your Turn

Your inner critic is begging for a break, and self-compassion is the path to sending it on vacation. By trying these self-compassion strategies, you’ll find the practices that work best for your life.

Want to keep track of your self-compassion habits? The Nine to Kind Possibility Planner has weekly check-in prompts and reflection spaces to support your growth. Explore it in the shop!