Let’s be real—the only reason Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, and Ross stayed close as adults was because they literally lived across the hall from each other. For most of us, adult friendships don’t come with that level of convenience. We think about our friends constantly (if my friends knew how often I think about them, they’d probably be annoyed), but actually spending time together? That’s a rare luxury.

Maintaining adult friendships isn’t just about catching up and having fun—it’s essential to our health and well-being. In 2023, the Surgeon General declared a “loneliness epidemic,” with research showing that strong social connections can lower the risk of illness and improve mental health. Yet, many of us still treat friendships as optional, something to prioritize after work, family, and endless responsibilities.

But here’s the truth: we’re busy overdoers who need community to thrive. How do we make it happen? In this post, we’ll explore why friendships matter and share practical strategies you can try this week to strengthen your relationships. It’s time to take friendships off the back burner.

Why Adult Friendships Are Difficult to Maintain

You’re not crazy or lazy—maintaining friendships as an adult is a lot harder than it looks. In our younger years, we were surrounded by built-in social opportunities. School, sports, and extracurriculars naturally fostered connection and community. But once we enter the working world, we face a harsh reality: most adult systems aren’t designed to support friendships. Our focus shifts to work, household responsibilities, and navigating personal life milestones. These changes happen fast, often without clear guidance on how to maintain the relationships that matter to us. It’s normal to feel disconnected from loved ones, but it’s important not to let that disconnection become your default.

As free time shrinks, the pressure to “make the most” of every hangout increases—especially for perfectionists. We want quality time with friends, but that desire can sometimes keep us from engaging in smaller, meaningful check-ins along the way. Think of it this way: a really good appetizer may not fully satisfy your hunger, but it still holds you over until the main course. Similarly, regular friendship check-ins may not be a full substitute for long, deep conversations, but they nurture your connection and keep it thriving.

It’s time to embrace the value of those small moments while being intentional about creating space for deeper connections.

What is a Friendship Check In?

Friendship check-ins are the small, intentional actions we build into our routines to support and nurture our relationships. You might already be doing some of these, but take a moment to reflect: are your check-ins thoughtful, or are they just another task to cross off your to-do list? Adding a bit more intentionality is what turns a simple check-in into a powerful tool for maintaining meaningful connections.

Here are a few ways to execute check-ins:

Low-Lift Options:

• Sending memes or posts on Instagram
• Quick check-in texts
• Voice notes
• Phone calls
• Handwritten cards or letters

Higher-Effort Options:

• Monthly coffee chats
• FaceTime or video calls
• Walk-and-talks
• Standing dinner dates
• Catch-up calls during commutes
• Errand meetups (grocery shopping, Target runs, etc.)
• Book clubs or book exchanges

Here are five more check-in topics to add variety and spark conversation:

• Ask about a recent milestone: “How did your [new job/project/class move/etc.] go?”
• Bring up a shared memory: “Remember that road trip we took? I was just thinking about it and had to laugh!”
• Ask for recommendations: “I need a new podcast or book—any favorites right now?”
• Check in about hobbies or interests: “How’s your [gardening, workouts, painting, etc.] going?”
• Acknowledge a life update from social media: “I saw your photos from the concert—looked amazing! How was it?”

The key is to keep these interactions consistent and low-pressure. Flexibility is essential—friendship doesn’t require perfection. Allowing space for accountability without rigid expectations helps you maintain connection without feeling overwhelmed by the need to be “on” every time.

Check Ins vs Catch Ups

Let’s be real—many of us rely on events like weddings, networking mixers, or birthday parties to reconnect with friends on a deeper level. But think about it—do we ever really slow down during celebrations like that? These gatherings are fun and energizing, but they often lack the space for truly meaningful conversations.

That’s where intentional catch-ups come in.

Here’s the difference:

• Check-ins are for staying in the loop on day-to-day life. They’re quick moments to touch base and see how someone is doing.
• Catch-ups are opportunities for deeper connection—where you can talk about the hard stuff, explore different perspectives, and strengthen the relationship on a more intimate level.

Catch-ups can happen one-on-one or in small groups, but the goal is always intimacy. Keeping the group size manageable fosters vulnerability and meaningful conversation.

Catch-Up Ideas:

• Coffee dates
• Lunch or dinner outings
• Weekend road trips
• Spa day
• Movie or binge-watch night at someone’s house
• Recurring workout class, followed by a hangout
• Crafting class or creative workshop
• Festivals or live events

Catch-Up Topics or Prompts:

• Ask about personal growth: “What’s something you’ve been working on for yourself lately?”
• Talk about long-term goals: “Is there something you’ve been thinking about lately?”
• Explore emotional well-being: “What’s been on your mind? How are you managing?”
• Reflect on life changes: “You’ve had so many changes recently—how has it been adjusting to everything?”
• Discuss relationships: “How are things going with your partner/family/friendships? How do you feel about it?”
• Talk about gratitude or something to look forward to: “What’s something that’s brought you joy lately? Any highlights? What’s coming up that has you excited?”
• Dive into personal interests or passions:“What’s something you’ve been obsessed with recently? A project, hobby, or topic?”
• Check in about mental health or burnout: “Are you feeling balanced, or is life overwhelming you right now? How can I support you?”

Catch-ups are meant to be experiential—you’re creating a shared experience that builds trust and emotional connection. These deeper moments can be powerful, even if they only happen once a year. Since catch-ups are higher-effort and less frequent, you have the freedom to plan something more elaborate.

And here’s the best part: if you’ve been keeping up with regular check-ins, you won’t need to waste time on small talk. You can jump straight into the heart of what matters most.

Signs That a Check In (or Catch Up) is Needed

It’s Time for a Compassionate Call-Out

Brace yourself—this might sting a little (it’s tough for me to face too!). If you haven’t been proactive in maintaining friendships, it’s probably time for a check-in or catch-up. But let’s be clear: this doesn’t make you a bad friend. It simply means life has been life-ing. Chances are, your friends are feeling the same way.

Here are signs it’s time for a check-in or catch-up:

• You didn’t recognize or acknowledge a major life event (new job, move, or health update).
• You missed sending birthday texts.
• Your communication has boiled down to just memes, with no real conversations.
• You’re unsure of what’s currently happening in your friend’s life.
• You miss your friends but aren’t sure how to reconnect.

The goal of a check-in is simple: to remind your friend that you still care. You can also share what’s happening in your world and express your intention to catch up soon.

Example Check-In Texts:

1. Casual yet thoughtful:
“Hey friend! I know it’s been a while, and I’ve drafted so many texts in my head that I never sent. Just checking in to see how you’re doing and to say I miss hanging out. Want to try keeping in touch more regularly?”

2. Setting intentions:
“Hey! I’m starting this new thing of checking in with friends more often. You matter a lot to me, and I want to stay in the loop with your life. No pressure—just share what’s going on when you have the time!”

3. Thought-based check-in:
“Oh my gosh, I just saw something that made me think of you! Life’s been okay here—how’s your world?”

Keep It Low-Lift and Consistent

Remember, the check-in is meant to be quick and easy, not a deep dive into life updates. If you want a deeper conversation, ask to schedule time for a phone call or in-person catch-up.

Tip: If you have group chats, encourage your friends to check in one-on-one with each other. Small, regular touchpoints help keep everyone connected without the pressure of organizing a big hangout.

Falling Behind? No Shame Spiral Allowed

It’s inevitable that life will get busy, and you might fall behind on your check-ins. When that happens, avoid the guilt trap. Just jump back in—friendship is all about showing up, even after a break. Your friends will appreciate the effort more than they’ll dwell on the gap in time.

How to Make Friendship Check-Ins and Catch-Ups Happen

Friendship maintenance doesn’t have to feel like just another checkbox—but it does require intentional effort. Scheduling meetups or setting reminders on your phone doesn’t diminish the authenticity of your check-ins; it actually helps you build the habit of staying connected. Think of it as creating muscle memory for friendship care. Spontaneity can still play a role, but structure helps ensure your relationships don’t get lost in the busyness of life.

Habits to Build Consistent Check-Ins and Catch-Ups:

• Set reminders on your phone to reach out to friends.
• Leave a note in your car to remind yourself to make calls during commutes.
• Write birthdays and anniversaries in your planner.
• Block out time in your weekly schedule specifically for friendship check-ins.
• Plan catch-ups around the same time each year (e.g., annual weekend trips or holiday traditions).
• Learn your friends’ communication preferences (text, calls, voice notes, etc.) to keep interactions comfortable.
• Use idle moments like waiting in the carpool line, walking the dog, or waiting at appointments to send a quick check-in.
• Keep blank cards, envelopes and stamps handy to send happy mail on a whim.

It’s All About the Effort

Consistency matters more than frequency or depth. If you feel like your check-ins aren’t being reciprocated or are starting to feel unfulfilling, that’s okay. Give yourself permission to space out your efforts or shift your approach. Relationships ebb and flow, and sometimes you’ll need to reassess what’s working and what isn’t. The key is to stay flexible, be compassionate with yourself and others, and keep showing up when you can.

Get It On the Books

Ready to take action? Here’s a simple process to help you maintain and strengthen your friendships:

Friendship Maintenance Process:

1. Brain dump the relationships and community groups you want to nurture this year. Write down anyone who comes to mind—friends, family, colleagues, neighbors, etc.
2. Review your list and note how each person prefers to communicate (text, calls, FaceTime, etc.) or what you prefer when interacting with them.
3. Create two lists:
   • A check-in priority list for quick, low-pressure updates.
   • A catch-up list for deeper conversations or experiences.
4. Brainstorm possible activities, topics, or life events you can check in on (e.g., new job, recent travels, shared hobbies).
5. Review your calendar and schedule time blocks for check-ins and catch-ups. Add notes or reminders to help you follow through.

Long-Term Investment in Connection

Remember, this is a lifelong practice, not a race. Don’t pressure yourself to check in with everyone or spiral into guilt about making the “right” choice. Tune into your own needs and build a system that supports you, not one that drains you.

These effort steps will not only lead to deeper, more meaningful connections but also improve your overall well-being. People with consistent social connections tend to live longer, experience fewer stress-related illnesses, and sleep better. By reducing stress and creating ease in your nervous system, you’ll gain motivation and joy outside of your daily responsibilities.

Need a Little Extra Support?

The Nine to Kind Possibility Planner is designed to help you track your friendships. With space to write down birthdays, set monthly reminders, and take weekly notes, it’s the perfect tool to keep your connections strong. Check it out in the shop and see how it can help you build your community care system!