What’s often called the most wonderful time of the year can also feel like the most invalidating. Time with family can stir up old memories, end-of-year reflections may trigger painful comparisons, and scrolling through social media might make it seem like everyone else is thriving—except you. For overthinkers and overdoers, it can feel like the overthinking olympics are in full swing.

Because this season can take a toll on your self-worth, here’s a guide to help you recover from invalidation and rebuild your confidence. Whether it is dealing with family dynamics, enduring self-criticism, and managing social pressure, these strategies will help you reclaim your self-worth this season.

What is Invalidation?

Invalidation occurs when your emotional experience, perspective, or interpretation is dismissed or told it’s wrong (Linehan, 2015). It can include minimizing, gaslighting, or mocking someone’s experiences. Invalidation is about both how content is received and how responses are delivered.

Quick Notes About Invalidation:

• Invalidation can be verbal (spoken words) or non-verbal (silent treatment, body language, rolling eyes).
• It doesn’t always stem from harmful intent, even though the impacts can be significant.
• Sources of invalidation can include social media, articles, or societal norms—not just people.
• The context of the relationship often influences how invalidation is perceived.
• Disagreement isn’t always invalidation—it’s more about misunderstanding or responding from an inaccurate place.

Example: Imagine you’re at the dinner table, excited about seeing the movie Wicked. Your cousin Brenda chimes in, saying the play she saw on Broadway was so incredible that the movie won’t compare. While Brenda may just be sharing her perspective, it could come across as dismissive of your excitement, leaving you hurt and reluctant to share more.

As humans, we are wired to avoid shame at all costs (Lynch, 2018). To escape the pain of invalidation, we often fight back or withdraw. While these coping strategies might feel protective in the moment, they can erode self-worth over time.

The challenge is that many of us were never taught how to recover from invalidation. But with the right tools—like seeking clarity and initiating repair—we can strengthen our relationships, rebuild self-worth, and soothe our nervous systems. Let’s explore how to build resilience against invalidation and move forward with confidence.

The Impacts of Ongoing Invalidation

Impacts of Invalidation

Invalidation is inevitable because humans often misunderstand or miscommunicate. When left unaddressed, invalidation can shape our beliefs and even affect how we present ourselves to others, influencing everything from our posture to our tone of voice. Understanding these impacts is the first step toward recovery.

Short-Term Impacts of Invalidation (Present Moment)

Invalidation in the moment can trigger strong emotional responses and coping mechanisms:

• Shame:
  • Isolation
  • Quiet disengagement
  • Replaying conversations
  • Questioning your perspective
  • People-pleasing
• Anger:
  • Pushing others away
  • Bitterness or short temper
  • Rumination and venting
  • Disrupting others
• Sadness:
  • Losing hope
  • A grim view of the future
  • Uncertainty about yourself or your goals
• Compensation:
  • Overachieving to prove others wrong
  • Taking on additional work to validate worth

Long-Term Impacts of Accumulated Invalidation

Repeated invalidation can lead to deeper challenges:

• Emotional Dysregulation:
  • Chronic hypervigilance reduces your ability to process difficult emotions.
  • Responses to situations may become overly intense or emotionally numb.
• Fragile Sense of Self:
  • Self-protection may lead to masking your true self to adapt to others’ expectations.
  • This disconnect can weaken your connection to your own values, wants, and perspective.
• Relationship Strain:
  • Consistent masking or isolating yourself can deteriorate closeness and trust in relationships.
• Struggles with Decision-Making:
  • Low self-trust may lead to procrastination, people-pleasing, or avoiding decisions entirely.
  • This cycle increases stress, emotional overwhelm, and dissatisfaction with life.

Don’t fret—addressing present-day invalidation builds the strength and muscle memory needed to repair long-term impacts. Healing from invalidation is a lifelong process, but with a shift-based approach, you can steadily reclaim your self-worth and resilience.

Rebuilding Self-Worth Plan

Recovering from invalidation is a gradual process, not a one-time fix. Like addressing short- and long-term impacts, rebuilding self-worth requires a layered approach. This guide focuses on key areas: your mindset, physical responses, relationships, and perspective, to help you navigate invalidation and foster resilience.

Step 1: Acceptance Is Key

The first step is acknowledging that invalidation has occurred. Treat it like identifying symptoms of a cold, observe what’s happening without rushing to conclusions or solutions. Objectively list how invalidation is affecting you in the moment.

Example: During the Wicked conversation, you notice feelings of hurt, shame, and anxiety. These emotions led to pulling back from the conversation and even reconsidering going to the movie. You recognize a pit in your stomach, signaling that deeper feelings might be at play.

Step 2: Tend to Your Body First

Strong physical responses can intensify your emotional reaction to invalidation. Before addressing your mindset, focus on releasing tension, regulating your breathing, and engaging in self-soothing practices. If the response feels overwhelming, take a longer break to regain control.

Example: You notice tension in your shoulders. To ease it, you tense and release the muscles. Squeezing your partner’s hand signals your emotions, and they respond by rubbing your back, helping you relax further.

Step 3: Check Content and Context

Analyzing the content and context of the invalidation can help reduce its emotional intensity.

• Content: Was the statement rooted in fact? Could there have been other intentions or misunderstandings?
  
• Context: Consider the relationship, setting, and potential reasons behind the other person’s behavior. This perspective helps you build mental flexibility and reduce the sting of invalidation.

Example: You recall that Brenda recently moved back from New York under unexpected circumstances. Her comment might reflect her attachment to the live Wicked experience rather than a dismissal of your excitement. While Brenda tends to be a one-upper, you remind yourself it’s not personal. This reframing eases some of the hurt.

Step 4: Incorporate Self-Worth Shifts

After addressing your mindset, focus on small behavioral shifts to rebuild your self-worth. Each small action builds upon the last, helping manage short-term experiences and preventing them from becoming long-term beliefs.

Example: Keeping everything in mind, you lift your head and reengage in the conversation. You share more positive feedback about the movie while acknowledging the differences between live theater and film. Instead of dwelling on Brenda’s invalidation, you pivot to another conversation if she invalidates again.

Step 5: Keep Self Compassion at the Center

Rebuilding self-worth happens in everyday moments, making the process both accessible and transformative. Self-compassion, as defined by Dr. Kristin Neff, involves treating yourself with the same kindness, grace, and understanding you’d offer to a friend. It’s a powerful practice for countering self-criticism and fostering resilience.

Self-Compassion Strategies for Invalidation Recovery:

• Zoom Out: When reflecting on a past event, consider what you didn’t know at the time and recognize that you were doing your best.
• Assess Feedback: If the invalidating feedback contains truth, implement aligned suggestions without compromising your values.
• Practice Decision Making: Make small decisions without seeking reassurance or fearing mistakes. It’s okay to get it wrong.
• Set Boundaries: Develop a plan for handling frequent invalidators or consider creating more space in those relationships.
• Use Affirmations: Replace negative belief systems with affirming statements.
• Seek Affirming People: Spend time with those who understand and validate your perspective.
• Accept Compliments: When you receive a compliment, resist the urge to deflect…accept it, even if it feels uncomfortable.
• Ask for Help Early: Seek support before situations escalate, rather than at the last minute.

The Power of Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is an effective antidote to invalidation because it disrupts the cycle of self-criticism. As you practice responding with kindness, it will become easier and more natural over time. By making self-compassion a habit, you can soften feelings of bitterness or resentment toward yourself and rebuild your self-worth with intention and grace.

Don’t Counter Invalidation With More Invalidation

As we’ve discussed, invalidation is an inevitable part of life. The goal isn’t to avoid it completely but to respond to it in ways that support your growth. Instead of dwelling on invalidating experiences, channel your energy into building mental flexibility, embracing self-compassion, and shifting away from shame.

Looking for a compassionate companion this season? The Nine to Kind Possibility Planner is designed to help you nurture self-kindness with affirmations, guided exercises, and tools for practicing self-compassion. Discover the art of treating yourself with care—check it out in the shop!